I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
