my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
