Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
