??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
