If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
