Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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