I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
