I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
