The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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