Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
