Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
