Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
