So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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