Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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