I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
