probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
