Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
