his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
