Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
