onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
