Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
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The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize