I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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