Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
