you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
