CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
