He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
