Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
