broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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