1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
