ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
