You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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