i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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