My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
