Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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