i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
