So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
