So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
