Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
