I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
