Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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