I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
