I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
