The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
