You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
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