Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
