we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
