remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
50% drunk capacity currently
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
