PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
