Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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