Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
