Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
