I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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