he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
