Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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