I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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