Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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