I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
