I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
