what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
