dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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